Gwen Watches the Style Network so You Don’t Have To
The Look for Less
Summary:
First the host shows the guest two jury-rigged runway pictures that are supposed to represent two big-name designers’ styles. The guest picks her fave. Then, a not-big-name designer drags the guest around a mall to Aeropostale, Old Navy or some shit, and then H&M or some other store we don’t have here in Houston, buying cheap Taiwanese articles of clothing that nearly approximate the designer outfit they’re trying to recreate. They don’t even go to the Limited or Ann Taylor Loft.
Sample dialogue:
HOST: So, which of these is more you, Tammy?
GUEST: Oh, the Michael Kors, definitely. I love the long, bias-cut silk dress.
[later]
DESIGNER: I think this K-Mart sleeveless velour hoodie looks just like the top of our dress, doesn’t it? When you combine it with the black tweed skirt we got from Rainbow One Price Clothing? See, we’re cheating and doing a two-piece instead of a full dress… but no one will ever know the difference. Oh, look! A clearance bin full of fabric flower pins! I think we have enough left in our budget for two or three of these!
GUEST: Uh… thanks.
Worth watching?
Only watch this in two-minute interludes while flipping channels and waiting for something better to come on.
Stripped
Summary:
This program is supposed to show you how your favorite cosmetics are made. I was completely sucked in by that teaser, and even my boyfriend wanted to watch it, because he likes science like that. But they bait-and-switched us. Instead of watching lab-coated professionals invent new shades of eye glitter, we fell asleep while machines mass-produced deoderant, hand lotion, and bubble bath. Also, I suspect this show was produced in Canada. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Sample dialogue:
VOICE-OVER: And there you see the bottle printer printing the labels directly onto each bottle. [Bottle printer makes a million bottles of Avon Skin So Soft.]
Worth watching?
Maybe we caught the one bad episode of the lot. Someone else will have to let me know, because I can’t bring myself to try this coma-inducer again.
How Do I Look?
Summary:
Some poor unwitting victim is nominated for the show by his/her family and/or “friends.” Finola Hughes moderates as the victim’s friends and some designer make the victim cry. Then the bullies pick out three sets of hideous outfits for the victim to wear.
Sample dialogue:
FINOLA: Were you surprised when your husband said you dressed like a frigid, colorblind bagwoman?
VICTIM: Not really. At home he often says – like when I had the miscarriage – that I’m stupid and worthless. Actually, I was surprised he was so nice about throwing away my favorite jacket.
FINOLA: Wait… he calls you stupid and worthless, or stupid and whorish?
[sad piano plays]
VICTIM: Both, actually.
FINOLA: What could we do to make you leave here happier?
VICTIM: Um… make my husband treat me like a human being?
FINOLA: Okay. Or… Would a whole new wardrobe help??
VICTIM: I guess.
Worth watching?
Only watch this if you enjoy yelling at people on the TV screen, knowing they can’t hear your threats or your criticisms of their choices in endless rhinestone sandals.
Style Court
Summary:
Some poor unwitting victim is nominated for the show by his/her family and/or “friends.” The extended metaphor is fashion court, with the nominee presenting evidence and then the victim potentially being sentenced to a makeover by a judge with a leopard-print gavel. The hallmark of this show, in my mind, is that the victims look completely real – exactly like your friends, neighbors, and coworkers. Often, they’re overweight, unlike on other makeover shows. And, in every one of the makeovers I’ve ever seen, the design crew has made the victims look realistically stylish and attractive.
Sample dialogue:
HUSBAND of VICTIM: So, you see, your honor… I married a beautiful sex kitten, but fifteen years and five kids later, she’s turned to a frumpy old hag.
JUDGE: Is this true, Vivian?
VICTIM: [sniffles] Well… I’m sorry, Felix, but… [sobs]
JUDGE: I’m ready to rule. Vivian, I find you… not guilty. Felix, look at your wife. She has a hot little figure and her skin is absolutely radiant. And this after pushing out five of your offspring. I rule that you hire a babysitter and let this fabulous woman take the break she deserves. [bangs gavel]
AUDIENCE: Hell, yeah!
Worth watching?
Watch this show whenever it comes on. Even if you’re supposed to be working or cooking. That stuff can wait.
The Brini Maxwell Show
Summary:
Brini Maxwell wears awesome retro clothes and does awesome retro things, like planning cocktail parties or making crafts out of fake flowers and shag rugs. She is the awesome, retro Martha Stewart.
Sample dialogue:
BRINI: [watching bartender teach us to make retro drinks] This elderberry cordial is a nice liqueur to have on hand for your guests. Here’s a tip – float a pretty flower in a glass of white vinegar. The vinegar absorbs cigarette odor, and the flower keeps your guests from accidentally drinking it.
BARTENDER: And now, we’ve finished our Brandy Alexander.
BRINI: Well, let’s just have a taste of that right now, shall we?
Worth watching?
Unfortunately, I don’t think they’re showing it much anymore. But if it comes on, put on a pique print and some big plastic earrings and watch it.
Clean House
Summary:
Messy people pretend to be messier than they really are in order to get attention. Hosted by Reynecia from Reno: 911.
Sample dialogue:
REYNECIA: Girl… You have not one but three possums living in your breakfast nook?
GUEST: [giggles stupidly]
Worth watching?
Watch the first two minutes so you can see what Reynecia did with her hair. Then, turn off your TV and go outside.
Ambush Makeover
They said it couldn’t be done, but then Style Network proved them wrong by producing one more makeover show than I could take.
Craft Corner Deathmatch
Seriously the best game show ever made. Don’t ask questions. Just watch it.
Dr. 90210
Sad people are bloodied on the operating table. Don’t watch before, after, or while eating.
Fashion Police
Some guy critiques celebrities’ runway dresses, but you don’t even notice that because you’re SO FREAKING DISTRACTED AND ANNOYED by the sunglasses perched on the host’s bald head.
Fashiontrance
They show runway shows, and they play trance. I’m not saying that I know from experience that this is the perfect show to watch after post-clubbing midnight sofa sex… but it just is, okay?
Diary of an Affair
People reenact people cheating on their spouses. Who cares? How is this stylish? If I want to see this kind of crap, I’ll watch Cheaters, where people go to carnivals and cheat on clowns.
Foody Call and Nigella Bites
Something to watch if The Food Network goes down, but the rest of your cable doesn’t.
Guess Who’s Coming to Decorate?
Guess who doesn’t give a shit.
Isaac
Dear Isaac Mizrahi,
Why does your Target line look good from far away, then look so flimsy and see-through close-up? Also, why are your size 18 skirts the only ones in the world that don’t circumnavigate my ass? Dude, I can wear size 16 skirts at New York & Company. Come on.
Martha Stewart Living
I keep meaning to watch and see if Martha throws any gang signs to her peeps from the pen. But then I just don’t.
Modern Girl’s Guide to Life
I don’t know what this is. Does that mean I’m not modern? Or did the makers of this show piss off Style Network and get the worst timeslot of all?
Style Star
I’ve tried to watch this one – really, I have – but my brain keeps slipping off of it and then I watch The Fabulous Life of… instead.
Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?
The title poses a good question. Whose wedding is it? Most would say, unequivocally, the bride’s. But what if the bride is twenty years old, five months pregnant, and surrounded by her soon-to-be-in-laws and later-to-be-ex-laws? Then, apparently, the wedding is anyone’s but the bride’s, and hence she ends up wearing a rented dress, screaming at her soon-to-be-nephews not to throw radishes at each other as she sweeps up the rented hall at the end of the night. And maybe that’s why I don’t like to watch wedding shows, OKAY?!?
You’re Invited
… to leave comments on your fave Style Network shows, or anything else, because it’s time for me to jet. Love y’all. Have an awesomely stylish weekend.
