Springtime Is an Indomitable Monster

There’s something so awesome about this story, in which the Houston Bayou Bend peeps had to put ice on their many azalea bushes to keep them from blooming too early. The Bayou Bend people are like, “Oh, no, don’t let our March Azalea Trail Tourist Thingie get ruined!” And the azaleas are like, “You wanna stop us? You’re going to have to ICE US DOWN, mofos!”

It does feel like spring now, because everything is blooming, because it’s been so warm. I know we’re not supposed to be happy about that, but I am. Spring and blooming flowers rock.

In Other Houston News

People who ride their bikes really slowly down Waugh Drive are self-centered assholes. Especially if they do it during rush hour. Why don’t you people move out to the country, if you’re so languidly rich and jobless that you can halt traffic at 5 PM, instead of using the sidewalk our taxes paid for? Use the freaking Heights bike trail. It’s a mile away. Corporate Houstonians are not here to give you the attention your parents never did.

Also, you may have noticed the 3 gazillion signs on and near Waugh Drive that say “Waugh Drive Bat Colony” or “Look, Houston has a bat bridge just like Austin’s!” or whatever. What those signs need to say is “Here’s where you can park if you’d like to see the bats. And… Get your bikes off the road.”

When you go to a Houston nightclub in Midtown that’s basically a big, dimly lit rectangular room with $8 drinks, and when that Houston nightclub has a velvet rope and a line, just walk away. There’s nothing at Bond or Red Door or that new place in Old Chinatown worth standing in line for. Especially if you’re an ethnicity other than white, and you see that the doorman’s white and only white people are getting in…? You should just leave. Don’t stand in line, because it makes the club look like a place worth getting into. And they don’t deserve you doing that for them. Let Houston club owners know that this isn’t New York, and this isn’t LA, and we like it that way.

Houston Avenue has fallen prey to dusty, rocky construction and it sucks really bad now. Avoid Houston Avenue at all costs.

Another thing to avoid is Ragin’ Cajun on Richmond. Do not eat there unless you like your food to taste bad. You might think it’s difficult to mess up fried oysters and fried shrimp, but that’s because you haven’t tried frying them in flavorless batter and old grease, like the people at Ragin’ Cajun do. Also, I strongly suspect that they use MSG. Also, they charge too much.

Finally, in my last piece of Houston news for the day…
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t like the weather, feel free to go back to where you came from. Or please, at least, think of a more creative way to whine about it. If I hear one more transplant say, “I miss seasons! :( !!” then I’m going to hand that person a world map and scream, “Move farther away from the Equator, then!” I mean, god. Why don’t you just stand there in the elevator and complain about the vastness of space? It’d be just as annoyingly pointless to everyone trapped with you, but at least it’d be something new.

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Posted in Houston, venting on 02/01/2006 02:15 pm
 
 

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