Now I have to go back and delete everything cute I’ve ever said about my cats. And maybe get them baptized.
Starbuck (girl cat) customarily sleeps at the foot of my bed. There’s a little patch of cat hair there to prove it. But I don’t mind because she’s really good about keeping out of the way of my feet, and she stays quiet.
Toby (new boy cat) did mind, though. Every night, almost, he’s been coming into the bedroom and whining at Starbuck. He wanted her to go with him into the living room with him. He wanted to play. Sometimes, he’d even jump up on the bed and get all up in her Kool-Aid, meowing in her face. Then they’d fight. Then I’d kick them out of the room.
That was a semi-regular occurrence, until last night.
Last night, I woke up to the sound of Toby quietly yowling. I opened my eyes and looked down at the foot of the bed. There were Toby and Starbuck…
[If you have kids reading, cover their eyes now.]
…having cat sex on my bed. Trying to have cat sex, I should say. They’re both fixed. But that didn’t stop them from enjoying themselves last night. I swear, I opened my eyes and it was like a freaking porn set, right there in front of me. Toby was like, “Starbuck, baby, you’re so hot…” Starbuck was like, “Oh, yeah, Toby, give it to me! Pretend you’re not neutered and give it to me right!”
“You dirty little cats!” I yelled, and I pushed them off the bed with my foot. Prudish, I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was still half asleep and therefore susceptible to old Catholic learnings.
And now there’s an opportunity for, oh, so many punchlines:
1. “I learned it by watching you, Mom!” said Starbuck.
2. “I thought this was where we were supposed to do it,” said Toby.
3. “Genitally mutilated cats need love, too!” said Starbuck.
4. “Don’t look at us like that! We are not a monster!” said Toby.
5. “It’s spring time!” said Starbuck.
6. “Don’t be jealous, baby — it didn’t mean anything!” said Toby.
7. “Don’t worry — we’re both fixed!” said Starbuck.
8. “Isn’t this why you hired me?” said Toby.
9. “Quit staring, you pervert!” said Starbuck.
And… yeah. It could go on and on. Because I’m trying to make light of the situation, here. Because I am so completely traumatized. Oh my gosh. I mean, yes, I did hope that Toby and Starbuck would fall in love. But platonically! In a cute, innocent way! Like those Precious Moments figurines! You know?
Wait, what? Those Precious Moments figurines…? Oh god, no.
Next episode: Shot gun cat wedding at my house. Because, as Marge Simpson knows, you can’t have your pets living in sin.
