Passive Hits
One of the things I’ve been working on, as far as self-improvement goes, is passive aggressiveness. I’m trying to eradicate all traces of it from my life.
When I was younger, I used to think that the best (safest) way to hit on someone was to do it ambiguously. That way, if they liked you back, they would say so (hopefully). And, if they didn’t like you back and said so, you could always deny your interest in the first place.
Now that I’m older and have lived through more things, I’ve done a complete 180 emotional reversal on this issue. I hate it when people hit on me ambiguously, or express their romantic interest passively. And I see now how inconsiderate that sort of behavior is. Here are all my reasons why:
1. The other person knows that you like her/him, and yet you are giving her/him no opportunity to turn you down.
For example, you think you’re clever when you say things like, “So, Cillian Murphy, would you ever date a single mom of three who likes to write? Hee, hee.”
Meanwhile, Cillian Murphy is thinking, “I don’t want to date you, Gwen.” And yet he can’t say it, because you didn’t ask that question, and he is too well mannered to answer the question you didn’t ask.
2. It’s creepy.
Like I said, the other person already senses that you like him/her, and yet you never say anything outright, so he/she never says anything outright, and the situation drags on and on and on. And you’re content to let it drag, because, that way, you can still fool yourself into believing that your unrequited feelings are secretly mutual. But, meanwhile, the other person is wondering more and more what the hell is wrong with you, and why you can’t take a freaking hint.
3. It’s the technique that perverts use.
You know how perverts on the subway sneak up next to you, slowly ooze into a fondle or squeeze, and then, if you face them, they say, “Excuse me,” as if their touching your ass was an accident?
Don’t do that to people. Not physically, and not emotionally. Don’t ask for a phone number on false pretenses, then call that person late at night, when you’re drunk enough to have the guts. Don’t pull the “Oops, I kissed you because I was drunk” maneuver. Don’t try the old “I rubbed up against you because I’m half asleep” routine. It fills your victim with complete, utter disgust.
4. It’s insulting.
If you’re pretending to be someone’s friend for months or years on end, solely because you’re secretly living for the possibility that that person will “wake up” one day and decide to sleep with you… Then you aren’t a very good friend. You aren’t a friend at all. You’re dishonest and manipulative, and when the other person realizes that, you will totally blow any chance you might have had to score.
5. Most important reason: Confidence is sexy.
It’s way, way sexier. So is honesty, even when it’s difficult to display. Hasn’t it ever happened to you that someone walks up and flat-out asks you on a date, or says, “I find you really attractive”? And, even if you never gave that person a second look before, don’t you feel flattered? And, as long as the person is candid-but-not-creepy, aren’t you impressed by his/her confidence? If you’re a normal person, you are, right? (I’m talking to normal people and not jerks, who aren’t worth asking out, anyway.)
Just be honest. Just come out and ask. I could have a million reasons for turning you down. It might be what you’re afraid of hearing. I.e., “No. You disgust me. How dare you suggest such a thing.”
But, since I’m not a jerk, it would sound more like, “I’m flattered, but no, thank you.” And then you’d know for sure, and you could move on with your life.
Or, who knows? The answer could be “Yes. Hell yes!” Or, it could be, “You know, I never thought about you in that way. But now that you’ve flattered and impressed me, I might.” Or, it could be, “I’m not dating right now, but I’ll certainly keep you in mind for when I am.” Or, it could be, “No thanks, because I have a boyfriend, but how about I introduce you to my friend Samantha?”
But you will never know until you ask. And, if you creep me out instead of just asking, the answer will never be yes.
