Dissatisfaction
Last week I was thinking that I had a lot of stuff to be thankful for. In fact, I felt so thankful that it seemed like Thanksgiving had finally arrived, a whole month late in my mind. Either that or it was another side effect from the cabergoline I’ve been taking.
This week, however, is a completely different story.
Every year, during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day, I like to make myself completely miserable. Whereas last week I was thankful for having had the means to buy a house and a new vehicle during 2006, this week I told myself I was a complete loser in all other respects.
All year I revised writing I’d already sold, or proposed writing that no one’s bought. I didn’t sell any new writing at all. I didn’t make any extra money at all. Not outside my day job, I mean. And, this week, in my mind, that makes me a loser.
This year, in fact, I feel even worse about it than usual, because this is the year I turn 35.
Who cares, right? It’s just a number, and turning 30 didn’t bother me at all. But 35 is different, you see, because that’s half my life expectancy gone. (Not even taking into consideration that everyone in my family likes to die before age 70.)
I don’t feel like I’ve done enough for half a lifetime. And don’t try to make me feel better about it, either. Don’t say, “Oh, you’ve done way more than most people,” because most people are lazy. Aren’t they? I’m not lazy, so I should have done more.
Don’t say, “Oh, you’ve done [X, with X being some random bullshit thing that anybody could have done.]” Like, today, my friend Julio told me, “You’ve already done something very important. You’ve had three kids.” What the hell? Any cat on the street can have three kittens. Any crackwhore downtown can get knocked up! Thanks for patronizing me, Julio, you bastard.
Yes, I sold three books, but who cares? That was years ago. What have I done for me lately, though? Not a gosh darned thing. I haven’t done enough yet, that’s for damned sure.
I like January. You know why? Because that’s the month that I get my butt in gear and get stuff done. Before New Year’s Day, I want to clean house. Figuratively and literally, I mean – I spent Christmas morning scrubbing my kids’ toilet, in fact.
Before January’s over, I expect to have my taxes done, my 2007 budget in place, and a freaking life plan on the table. With outlines. And spreadsheets. And a signature in blood.
Okay, well, there it is. I just wanted to tell y’all what’s been on my mind lately.
In the meantime, I hope you all had good holidays and traded nice gifts. We have one more party to go, y’all, before the brand new year. Do it right, okay? Have a good one.
