I’m Dreaming of an Appropriate Christmas

Nothing is more of a turn-off than the local frou-frou shopping centers putting up giant Christmas trees on a hot November 1st.

I know this isn’t the most original topic, but I have to say it anyway. Every year, the money-hungry stores put out their Christmas merchandise earlier. And, every year, I remove more names from my gift list. Always mutually, and with much relief. I’m not the only one sick of being manipulated into believing that Christmas = being guilted into spending money. Give me a break. I want to spend time with my friends, not run around town blowing money on my credit cards and worrying that the unnecessary things I’ve picked out will appease the Commercial Xmas Gods.

Back when I was a housewife, I got a thrill out of starting my gift-shopping early. I started in October, partially because it was fun and partially because it spread the debt a little thinner. And I made a lot of gifts, too. Now? There’s no secret pleasure. You’re expected to be planning purchases four months of the year. It’s your duty as an American. Support the failing economy by buying plastic-snowman-emblazoned bullshit for everyone you know, or the terrorists have already won.

One fun thing some friends and I started last year, though, was a white elephant exchange party. We all brought food to Jorge’s apartment and shared it in front of ’80s movies and a Depeche Mode concert DVD. Everyone drew numbers for gifts, 85% of which were cocktail-related. (Hmm.) The best part was photographing each other opening the gifts. Everyone knows that pictures of people opening gifts are the most boring pictures there are. So several of us enlivened the process by making the most over-the-top excited facial expressions possible. I still look at those pictures and crack up, a year later. Can’t wait to do it again.

Another fun part of the holiday is movies. Going to the movies, and renting movies with my children and friends.

We don’t have snow here, but it’ll be nice in December, when it gets down to 60 degrees each day and we can break out the extra blankets. That’s when I’ll start looking at Christmas decorations, you guys. When it’s not hot enough to go to the beach anymore.

Kroger Sucks

Seriously. I’m not kidding. Kroger, one of our local grocery store chains, wins my prize for The Most Consistently Shitty Customer Service. I’m not talking about mere unfriendliness, or your run-of-the-mill lack of common courtesy. I mean that Kroger employees go the extra mile and take the time to show you, in so many ways, that they dislike their jobs and especially dislike being forced to help you with your groceries for their paychecks.

The Kroger on 11th and Shepherd is always a good source for rude teenagers who purposely slam your food into the bags and then giggle moronically when you ask them why they’re doing it. However, for an all-out crappy customer service extravaganza, with maximum disrespect for your dollar, you simply have to try the Kroger on West Gray, in Houston’s fabled River Oaks shopping center. It really is phenomenal, the way the employees there go out of their way to show their disdain. Whether it’s the women in the deli rolling their eyes at you and walking off to finish their personal conversations while you’re waiting for your order, or the sackers dropping your plants on the floor and then whispering “what a bitch” to their coworkers when you ask them to be careful, every visit to River Oaks Kroger provides a fresh opportunity to learn that your money is not welcome there. They should put up a sign that says, “If you don’t like it, go to hell, or to Randall’s, or to Central Market, or to Whole Foods.” And you know what? I think I will. Thanks, Kroger employees! Sorry to have bothered you with my annoying attempts to spend my $500 per month grocery-budget allowance on your products!

And, on that note, here’s someone even more demanding than me. Fictional character, but still hilarious.

One Last Shopping-Related Thing

How effing annoying is it when stores are closed on Sundays?

If stores are going to be closed on Sundays so that people can allegedly spend all day worshipping God, then I suggest that America declare Monday part of the corporate American weekend so that I can have more than one day a week to get my errands done.

Don’t even start me on the fact that most stores are only open during the same hours that I’m at my job. I guess I’m the stupid one here, for not having a housewife to run errands and make purchases for me while I work.

But you would think that if America were the awesome bastion of capitalism that our president and friends are fighting terrorism for it to be, that someone besides Wal-Mart and Kwickie Mart would be open at an hour when 90% of the population can actually shop without having to take a sick day.

And don’t even get me started on the suckitude and lack of logic that is Daylight Savings Time…

Instead of putting up Christmas trees the day after Halloween, maybe the local merchants should research more plausible shopping hours and petition the government to give us back our after-work daylight. THEN maybe I’d be able to do my job as a citizen of our God-based, consumerist nation, you know?

Jesus, people. Jesus H. Wal-Mart-shopping, Starbucks-sipping Christ.

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