No, YOUR Girlfriend Is a Mess

Recent quote by my boyfriend:

I walk in and see my girlfriend passed out on the floor, with a bloody knee, soaking in vomit. And I thought, “That must have been one hell of a party.”

Quote by my friend Julio upon hearing the story that involves the quote above:

That’s not a badge of honor, you know.

No, it isn’t. Children, look away.

Sexy Groceries

Part of the reason everyone in Houston is so fat is that we have some really nice grocery stores. We have to go into them to keep out of the heat, you see. Once we’re in there, it’d be rude not to buy lots of groceries to eat, wouldn’t it? And native-born Texans pride themselves on their courtesy. Hence, here is a partial list of the sexier groceries I’ve bought in the last few weeks.

  • Whole Foods’ Seeduction bread – seductively full of seeds
  • agave syrup – just as sweet as honey, but with less effect on glucose levels (and less sticky)
  • Canfield’s Diet Chocolate Cherry soda
  • dried pears
  • dried cranberries
  • tropical trail mix with sugar-free chocolate
  • frozen butter chicken
  • Kalamata olives
  • salmon salad (like tuna salad, but with salmon)
  • ginger orange marmalade
  • white cheddar cheese
  • Bing cherries

Sexy groceries I stopped short of buying, because of the expense:

  • yellow watermelon
  • tamarillos
  • lobster
  • white cherries

Neal Pollack Should Take Lessons From Me

My kids really like the cartoons they show on Cartoon Network. Their favorite is one called Ed, Edd, and Eddie, in which dirty children with yellow tongues scheme to earn quarters in order to buy jawbreakers. All this gets done to old experimental jazz.

I don’t really like that show, but I like it better than The Kids Next Door. In that one, a team of five culturally diverse children fights adult criminals, solely with the power of their annoying shrill voices.

But it doesn’t matter whether or not I like them. The point is, my kids like them. So, my cable bill money is well spent.

When I was a kid, we spent every Saturday morning watching cartoons on local TV channels, whether those cartoons sucked rocks or not. Case in point: The Smurfs. Sucked. Badly. And we knew it then, at that tender age. And yet, we watched it anyway.

Did Speed Racer suck? Yes, it did. Did we watch it anyway? Of course. I even have a Speed Racer poster framed in my living room, partially to make my kids think that I had things to be nostalgic about, and partially because it coordinates with our furniture so beautifully.

Did Superfriends suck? Oh, good lord, yes.

How about Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker, and Tom & Jerry? Were they, after the first five hundred times you saw each episode, funny? No. After memorizing each episode in its entirety by the time I reached second grade, I somehow ceased to find them entertaining anymore. And yet, I still watched. There was nothing else on.

Did Thundercats suck? My boyfriend claims it didn’t. I can’t remember. I get that one confused with He-Man and something about a barbarian named Thundar.

A while back, someone accused me on this very blog of being “consumerist” for allowing my middle-schooler to drink Frappucinos. Well, if depriving my child of Tang is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. If spending $60 a month to trade Strawberry Shortcake for The Powerpuff Girls is wasteful, then I don’t want to be thrifty. My sole purpose in this world is to give my children a better youth than the one I struggled through. It’s a pretty noble purpose, if I do say so myself, and I’ll buy as many snack foods, cartoon channels, and Game Boys as necessary to get the job done.

It’s the American way, y’all. If you don’t let your kids watch screechy, offensive, hilarious cartoons all day, then, really, wouldn’t you have to say that the terrorists have already won?

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Posted in Uncategorized on 06/02/2005 09:26 pm

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