Two Pieces of Correspondence
I.
Also – there’s a guy here in IT who runs a choir for everyone in our buildings, and he wants me to join the choir, and I don’t want to because everybody makes fun of it all the time. And someone here is having a big 50th bday party, so the planner asked that guy to bring his guitar and sing, and then he said that he wanted me to sing, too. Doh! And she asked me, and I told her no, and I told her why. And we talked about how sad it is that everybody’s a miserable hater here.
But maybe I’ll sing on that day, anyway, just all improv style. If the mood strikes, I mean. Even though I don’t want to sing, I do want to go find out from that guy what he’s planning on singing. I just can’t resist that kind of shit, as you know. I would join the choir if everybody didn’t make fun of it. I think the problem is that it’s mostly tone-deaf older white people, and we have a lot of non-white people who would like to sing, but they don’t want to be associated with the tone-deafs, so it’s a big cultural racial thing. Which sucks.
Because it would be awesome if we just had a bad-ass, multiethnic choir in our insurance building for no reason at all. Just for the hell of it. And then we could compete with other insurance company choirs and kick their butts.
That would rule.
II.
I had fun last night. You’re a good host and a gracious winner/loser, despite any and everything I might have said to contrary. Did you make it into [censored] okay today?
When I got home last night, there was a goddamned frog on my door mat. I threw both my shoes at him, but he just hopped right up to the door, so that I couldn’t unlock it. (Because the frog would have attacked me or hopped into my apt if I had.) I threw someone else’s door mat at him. He was like a zombie. I called y’all for advice, since y’all were the only people I knew who might be awake. But y’all weren’t.
I walked around the complex barefoot for a while, not knowing what to do. I went to the pool to see if they had one of those long nets. They didn’t. Then I remembered my stupid long umbrella in the trunk of my car. I went back towards the parking lot but was too scared to pass the frog again. Instead, I pitched all my neighbors’ door mats at him, one by one. He still didn’t hop away, but was half buried under them in such a way that I felt safe enough to run and pull my shoe out from under a door mat so I could throw it at him again.
Finally, the bastard hopped far enough away for me to get to the door. I told him out loud that I wished he would fucking die. I replaced all the door mats, apologized to the frog and retracted my evil wish, and then finally went inside.
I hope you made it safe to wherever you are with no amphibians involved. I would CC this awesome tale to George, but I accidentally deleted his email address pretty soon after you gave it to me.
Later.
