I could write about bugs all day.
Today in the parking garage, Brie and I saw a huge, huge moth. Six or seven inches wide. The kinds you find in Texas and on the islands where such hellish things are bred. (But it didn’t chase us or anything, so I was okay.)
At Ming’s Cafe, right after that, I saw a tiny moth in the ladies’ room.
I’m very superstitious about bugs. When I see them, I think it means something. But I don’t always know what it means.
Here’s the Bug Superstition Lexicon I’ve developed so far, from my own experience and intuition:
- Big Roaches: Big roaches – especially flying ones, are bad. If they fly into your hair, it means you’re in a bad situation. If they appear on the ceiling above your head, it also means that you’re in a bad situation.
- Small or Medium Sized Roaches: These mean that people need to quit leaving crumbs all over the place.
- Earthworms: Earthworms in your soil mean that you’re doing good. Earthworms dead or dying on the sidewalk mean that you need to take time to remember how good you have it.
- Snails: Seeing snails hauling their little houses around all slow means that right now, you can’t see the future you’re working towards. But you should keep working, anyway. Snails sitting still on a wall or a tree mean nothing.
- Slugs: Slugs mean watch your freaking step. Goddamn, I hate slugs.
- Ants: If you see the ants working hard, it means you should follow their example. If the ants are just standing there looking at you, it means you’re working hard and should be proud. If they’re in your laundry, it means you’re sexually attractive on a primal level.
- Big Black Fuzzy Caterpillars Totally Hauling Ass Across the Street Under the Overpass Near My Apartment Complex: These are rare, but it’s good if you can see them. It means that you’re going to kick ass and take names, whether the idiots around you realize it or not.
- Bees, Wasps and Other Stinging Insects (Except for Mosquitos): When they don’t sting you, it means your life’s in order. When they do sting you, it means you need to calm the hell down.
- Flies: If there are flies around, why don’t you clean your place, you freaking slob?
- Grasshoppers and/or Locusts: These are the spawn of Satan. They don’t mean anything – they just show up to bother you, random and evil. (I have this friend who keeps telling me that, in Puerto Rico, they’re considered good luck. This is why you should never believe Puerto Ricans, no matter how good-looking they may be.)
- Praying Mantises, Especially Those That Are Waiting for You on Your Car and Won’t Fly Away No Matter How Hard You Hit Them with a Rolled-Up Newspaper: These mean “Watch your back.”
Okay. That’s all I have right now. If anyone knows or can come up with the meanings for moths, beetles, or June bugs, please let me know.
