The other day at my day job, I walked to the elevator and saw this guy who sometimes works contract for us, who I haven’t seen in a long time. Who is latino. Of whom I am wary, because once, in the past, I saw him in the hall and he said, “Why don’t you smile? You look so ****ing pissed off all the time.” And he said that in a pissed-off way, and it pissed me off and freaked me out.

So, I see this guy. And he’s smiling, and I give him a standard Corporate American greeting. And he says, “Hi. Wow. How are you doing? You look good. You lost a lot of weight, huh?”

And I say, “Uh, Rodrigo, that’s not something you should say to a lady. You shouldn’t be commenting on…”

And he says, “But you lost a lot of weight. You look good.”

And the elevator door opens, and we get in, and another woman is in there, and I say, “Okay, thanks, but what if I lost weight because I was sick or something? You shouldn’t comment on a woman’s physical…”

And he says, “But you look good! What should I say then? I mean, I want to say you look good. How should I say it?”

And the other woman was simultaneous smiling and raising her eyebrow, and I didn’t want to get all into it, so I just said, “You can tell someone ‘You’re looking well.'”

And he goes, “You’re looking well. You’re looking very well.” And I return the sentiment, and get out of the elevator and hightail it home.

What I should have told him was that I’m not looking for any man’s verbal approval of my physical appearance, and it’s impertinent to offer such a thing unsolicited.

I think about this a lot now. This is what I think: It’s wrong to criticize people for things they can’t help. If you want to criticize someone’s manners or work habits, I won’t hate you for it and I might join you, because I’m a critical bitch like that. But if you want to criticize someone’s face or race or mental abilities… then you’re just an asshole. Why would you criticize someone for something they can’t control?

In the same way, to a lesser extent, I think it’s purposeless to comment positively on someone’s face or skin color or hair texture or intellect, because what is the person going to say in return? “Thank you. I chose my DNA myself”?

I think that, if you must compliment or critique someone, it should be on their actions. Like, I would compliment you on your nice clothing, because I know you selected it and put the outfit together, and you did a good job. Or I would compliment you on something you wrote, or said, or built.

It’s a fine line, I know. You could argue that people do have some control over the presentation of their bodies and faces and hair. However, I think most of us can tell the difference between, “Congrats on your weight loss, you look great” and “You look good” said while the speaker looks you up and down. And the difference is the offering of approval. And I don’t want it. And yet, since the moment I was born, there has been a never-ending supply of Latino men willing to offer it. Approval, or the retraction of. On my body, my face, my clothing, my behavior. My words, my facial expression, whether or not I’m chewing gum…

And I don’t want it. When I want their opinions, I will ask for them. And I never will want them, so I never will ask.

And I’m picking on Latino men, here, because they’re the ones with whom I, personally, have experienced this phenomenon the most. But it’s not just them. It’s men of all corners of the rainbow, I’m sure, and it’s women, too. But mostly men, because that’s what men get raised to do in our society — offer their approval of people they find attractive. I mean, I know that I would never feel comfortable offering a man my approval of his looks, unless he was a very close friend of mine, or unless I was trying to get him into bed.

And you can get mad at me for saying all that, but that’s the way I feel. And you might be a woman who feels differently and enjoys that kind of attention. And if you are, I support your right to feel that way. And I’m sure I’m just reinventing some wheel that a feminist rolled back in 1972. But it’s a feeling that’s been boiling in me for a very long time now, independent of any dissertation or magazine rant.

in other body issue news

I didn’t really want to work out last night. Instead, I decided to do this new thing I Tivo’ed from Fit TV — a new dance show called Shimmy. It was about belly dancing, as you can probably guess. Belly dancing provides a decent, ballet-like workout, and it’s kind of fun, so it doesn’t really feel like working out.

So I turned on Shimmy and moved along with all its isolations and slow routines. My kids and I giggled at the dramatic film of women shaking sequins in the snow. Then I went to bed. Then I woke up.

And, oh my god, I feel like somebody beat me with a pillowcase full of soda cans. Every muscle in my body — quads, glutes, abs, triceps, biceps, trapezius! kidneys! the balls of my feet! — is sore.

Shimmy tore my ass up. I laughed at it last night, but Shimmy has the last laugh now.

What Jealousy Means to Me

Right now I kind of hate one female writer I’ve never met, and I really, really loathe one male writer I’ve never met.

Why? Not because their writing is bad. I’ve read and enjoyed their stuff in the past.

Why, then? Because they have things that I don’t have. What do I do when this happens? Easy — I make voodoo dolls of these people, then scream at the voodoo dolls and slap their faces!

No, just kidding. I force myself to think, in great detail, what it is about these people that I hate. In other words, what they have that I don’t have.

And then I silently thank those people for showing me my own true path to happiness. Because that’s always it, for me. The things I bitterly covet from others are the things I need to work on getting for myself. And the faster I face that, the faster I can get to work on making myself happy.

Something That Everyone Already Knows

Kids don’t really like clowns. So quit decorating their rooms with clown pictures. Sheesh.

Y’all know I hate clowns — it says it in my first book, on the very first page, I believe. But hearing this story on the radio made me think more about it. The DJs talked about how clowns used to be more popular back in the heydays of circuses and parades, back before Stephen King’s It came out. And they are so right.

However, I did think of one clown I’ve always been able to tolerate, and that is Mr. Ronald McDonald.

Then again, Ronald has never really been a clown, in my mind. He’s just some weird-looking guy who hangs out with other weird-looking guys named Grimace, Mayor McCheese, Hamburgler, the Fry Guys, and that chick who has the head of a bird. Maybe they’re aliens. Maybe they’re Egyptian gods. Maybe they’re mutants or something. Either way, I don’t hate them, because they were obvioulsy born looking like that, and I don’t hate people for how they were born.

Thrift Report

I’ve been meaning to tell y’all for a while now that I finally, finally scored an awesome leather jacket at the thrift store. Brown suede, slight motorcycle style, high quality, perfect fit. For TEN DOLLARS. You can’t beat that with a stick.

(You could probably beat it with a Shimmy, though!)

(Okay, that’s it. No more cutesy self-referencing sentences within the blog post.)

And then… I want to tell y’all that my kids got into the act, and that they scored some completely outrageous finds, but I can’t, because that would be revealing the kids’ personal businesses. And you know how kids are. You know how they get. You know how, when we were kids, the cardinal sin was getting caught with clothes from K-Mart. Even, illogically, if a classmate saw you shopping there because she, herself, was shopping there. The rule seemed to be: first person to call out someone for shopping at K-Mart is the winner, no matter how they got the evidence.

So I won’t say. I’ve probably already said too much. I mean, I think my kids can stand up for themselves and their awesome thrift finds, but just in case, I’ll hush.

It’s funny… Sometimes I feel like I live my life really fast. You know?

Last week, I got the first inkling of good news while I sat at my desk at work. And I was so, so happy that I had to go into the stairwell and jump up and down a little. And I wondered how I would be able to contain myself throughout the day. But I told myself to calm down and wait until the good news was finalized.

Yesterday, my agent got permission to post the good news in Publishers Marketplace. I was excited. “Yay, now it’s official and I can tell everyone!” I thought. And I emailed my friends. And I thought, “I need to announce this on my blog. But maybe I should wait until tomorrow…”

And then, I started with the planning. There’s a lot of stuff to plan, and I like to plan the hell out of things, to the furthest extent possible, with contingencies and back-ups and variables and weather charts and Excel spreadsheets and protractors and everything. So I started doing that. And my friends were like, “So, do you want to have a drink this weekend, to celebrate?” And I was like, “I can’t. I’m so busy; I have so much stuff to do…”

And they were like, “Have you noticed that you’ve never celebrated any of this? We’re still waiting for you to celebrate your first four books. When are you gonna get around to it? The vodka bottles are stacking up over here.”

And I laughed, because they were right. And then I said, “Seriously, though — I have a ton of stuff to do. Not just for this book, but for everything.”

So, yeah. I’m really busy lately, and I have a lot of writing to do, and my mind is spinning with all the plans and lists… Oh, and…

I sold another novel to Grand Central Publishing!

My second novel!
My fifth book!

Yay!

thrift report

Today I’m wearing a $5.97 pleated cotton Ann Taylor Loft skirt. It’s brown and white with flowers in the color I call persimmon. Not burnt orange, which makes me look corpsical, but persimmon, which is blue-er and much more flattering. I have paired this with a brown Carole Little top from Ross Dress for Less, and brown shoes. Creative, I know. I told y’all I wear boring clothes, though. Even though I do have this one persimmon satin top (of Target) that someone implied the other day was something only a Latina would wear. For a Latina, I am boring. For a white person, maybe my colors get a little bright sometimes. Fuchsia, orange, light pink, bright green. But my skin is light olive, so those are the colors that help me. I think that means I’m “a Summer.” Being half white makes me Summer instead of Winter. Winter was what every non-white person had to be, back in the ’80s, when such things got said.

Oops. I didn’t mean to go off on the political train there. But that is a personal pet peeve of mine — the American beauty trends and science ideas that non chalantly exclude non-white people. Like the Color Seasons lady saying that white people can be Spring, Autumn, Summer, Winter, and then lumping all the black and asian and dark-skinned latina chicks under Winter, in her best-selling book, back in the ’80s. Like all those ’90s toys for babies with the white faces, black eyes and smiles. Because it was proven that babies were attracted to high-contrast face, meaning white faces with dark eyes. Because… dark-skinned babies don’t care to see their dark-skinned parents? Like Karl Lagerfeld saying, just last year, that tans are out, and only pale skin looks fresh right now.

Okay, back to the thrift report. Last week’s find: a black Armani Exchange sweater, little plastic tag thing still attached, for $9.97. Yay.

Jungle love is driving me slightly mad. It’s making me a tiny bit crazy.

I realized that Houston does have a Bob station, after all. Well, Hempstead, Texas does, at least. Hempstead and Cypress and Tomball and the Woodlands, and as I travel east on 290, the station fades.

I like the Bob stations because they are the masters of busting out songs you haven’t heard in a billion, jillion years. Like Uriah Heep’s “Thirty Days in the Hole.”

So I’m listening to it the other day, and they play that song “Jungle Love” (by Steve Miller Band, I think?) and at first I think, “Oh, not that cheesy freaking song.” But then it cranks up and I realize I don’t hate it too much, after all. And I’m listening to the lyrics, and it’s about some guy meeting some chick on somebody’s island, and giving her a crate of papayas (euphemism?) and then, presumably, having sex with her in the ocean and maybe in the jungle, too.

And I thought, “It’s so lame, how guys will think that a song-worthy topic is the fact that they had sex with a hot chick.”

But then I thought about how nice it would be, not only to have a romantic liaison with someone attractive, but to be on a tropical island with no cares in the world, back in the days before HIV. With papayas and maybe other fruit, including hopefully mangoes. That is songworthy after all, isn’t it?

Then Steve Miller sings another verse, in which they’re off the island and life is like a jungle and I guess he’s not having sex with the hot chick anymore, but wishes he was. Or something. I spaced out on that part. I booked trips to Fiji and Bora Bora in my mind, instead. I looked forward to the day that I’d be able to spend money on traveling instead of on credit card interest. That lasted me the middle 20 minutes of my commute, and then I went back to fantasizing about being a preferred shopper at Neiman Marcus, and then planning the next thing I have to write.

Sometimes I want to tell y’all what I find at the thrift stores, and maybe post pictures of my finds, but then I don’t, because I’ve realized that I like pretty boring clothes.

Today, for instance, I am wearing black pants, a white shirt, and a fuchsia silk cardigan ($1.91 with orange tag markdown). And black loafers. And no jewelry, because I forgot it. And that’s pretty much about as exciting as my wardrobe gets, unless I bust out a dress or the knee-high boots or something.

The other day I found a brand new pair of brown, unembellished, Unlisted loafers at my second-favorite thrift store, for $6.97. I found one of them on the floor, and I searched the store until I found its mate. And I was so ecstatically happy. “I should take a picture of these and put them on my Flickr page!” I said to myself. Then I realized how underwhelming a picture of brown loafers would be.

Oh, well. I’m still happy about them.

But, if you’d like to see something semi-exciting, go on over to my Flickr page and see that paintings I did to go above my fireplace.

The YouTubes and the CSSes and the BloggerWriters and the InterWebs

I feel kind of sad about the fact that I haven’t posted anything on YouTube yet. I feel un-Web-pioneer-y. I even have stuff to post — two or three readings and lectures I did that people were kind enough to videotape for me and then make DVDs for my use, to post on YouTube as I’d promised I would. And I haven’t yet done it. I even have the video editing software on my computer. I just haven’t had time to get it done.

Other information highway merge lanes I haven’t had time to drive on:

• podcasting with the MP3s I have of myself reading and yakking at radio show hosts
• putting something about my books on the domain GwendolynZepeda.com
• getting on any writer-y sites and telling people I’m a writer
• updating the design of this here blog

How do y’all web mavens have time to do all this stuff? Is it because you do it as a career? Is it because you don’t have 28 kids, like I do? Are you doing it at your day jobs? Are you tricking high school students into being your web content interns? Help me, ObiWanKenobis. Tell me your secrets.

It just takes time, I guess. Maybe I can do something on the web, next time I feel like painting a bunch of birds and hanging them up above my fireplace.

Weekend Adventure: Farmers’ Market

One of my kid’s friends spent the weekend with us, which was all the excuse we needed to conduct weekend adventures. We dragged that little boy to the Asian grocery store to see the live frogs and purchase cha siu for the fried-rice feast my boyfriend later cooked. We dragged him to a park that we’d never seen before, and that park ended up having bison and pigs and emus, oh my! We sought out a new (to us) carniceria, next door to our second favorite panaderia and ate a fabulously traditional Mexican Sunday breakfast of tacos, pastry, and insanely spicy hot sauce.

After we dropped the boy off at his home, my boyfriend dropped me off at my favorite thrift store for a few hours, which is always a very exciting adventure, for me at least. (Three skirts in gray and taupe! A light blue button-down!) Then we reconvened at Empire, which is the best coffee house in Houston.

(Please don’t write and tell me that Brazil or Dietrich’s are the best. They aren’t. Empire is. Sorry.) (Just kidding. Feel free to tell me which is your fave, and why. I always want to know y’all’s fave restaurants in Houston, okay?)

Best of all, though: We went to the farmers’ market on Airline, which neither Tad nor I had been to since we were children. The Airline farmers’ market is, as my youngest son put it, a “fleamarket of food.” Their restrooms are nastier than those of the nightclub #s. But still — they have beautiful fruits, vegetables, spices, and herbs for dirt cheap. We’re going back again very soon. Every single week for the rest of our lives, maybe.

I’ve been meaning to tell y’all this for weeks now…

I no longer like Billy Joel’s music.

You know why? Because, the other day, I heard a song of his I hadn’t heard since I was a kid with snot running down my nose and no sense of what was happening in the world. That song was “Big Shot.”

Here is the chorus and two verses of the song:

Because you had to be a big shot, didn’t you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn’t you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
You know what everything’s about
You and to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night

They were all impressed with your Halston dress
And the people you knew at Elaine’s
And the story of your latest success
Kept ’em so entertained
But now you just can’t remember
All the things you said
And you’re not sure you want to know
I’ll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show

Well, it’s no big sin to stick your two cents in
If you know when to leave it alone
But you went over the line
You couldn’t see it was time to go home

What the hell is this guy’s deal? The narrator of this song is mad at some chick because… why? Because she talked a lot? Because her friends were “knocked out” and “entertained” by her stories? Because she wore an expensive dress?

Maybe I’m just reading way too much into it (as I will sometimes do with lyrics when I’m in my van, listening to the radio during my 1.25 hour commute), but it sounds like the narrator just can’t hang with women getting attention. Maybe attention that he feels is rightfully his?

Read those lyrics, then consider the lyrics to “Uptown Girl,” which Mr. Joel presumably wrote later:

Uptown girl
She’s been living in her uptown world
I bet she’s never had a backstreet guy
I bet her momma never told her why

Uptown girl
You know I can’t afford to buy her pearls
But maybe someday when my ship comes in
She’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been
And then I’ll win

Watch out, uptown girl! Don’t do it! Don’t marry this backstreet guy, because every time you want to have a little fun with your friends or dress up a little or tell anyone about your accomplishments, he’ll ridicule you and your white-bread world. Then, years later, after he’s erroded your self esteem, the two of you will divorce and then he’ll replace you with a younger woman too meek to hold her own on a cooking contest show!

Just kidding. Heh. I’m sure Billy Joel is a very nice person, and his song narrators are no reflection of his own views on women. I just like to listen to music and make up funny little stories for myself when I’m alone in my van.

When I was a child, I memorized lyrics without thinking about them. I also liked Billy Joel and hated Bob Seeger.

But now that I’m older, I can’t help but think about lyrics. Do I want to listen to songs that say “Ha, ha, you rich bitch, I did donuts on your lawn with my motorcycle,” or lyrics that say “I had sex with a rich woman in Hollywood and it was awesome, and now I’m an old, worn-out cliche of a rock star and I only have myself to blame”?

Or do I want to go back to my old favorite, with lyrics that say “It seems like we really hate women, but then again, we did steal most of this music from black musicians nowhere near as famous as us”? Now that Led Zeppelin’s having a little comeback, I mean.

Silverfish, silverfish! It’s Christmas time in the city!

I decorated our Christmas tree (Douglas fir, $17 at Lowe’s with $10-off coupon) last night.

I’m not even going to tell y’all about the all-new holiday trauma tradition we started, which involved the whole family and the meticulous slaughtering of the silverfish that have been breeding in our garage, in the boxes that came over from our apartment more than a year ago, which contained all our Christmas ornaments and decorations.

I’m not even going to tell you about it.

Suffice it to say that tree is up, the garage is clear, and my children will grow up with beautiful holiday memories — the strains of “Deck the Halls” intertwined with the dulcet tones of their mommy’s voice, screaming, “There’s one! KILL IT!” and “Bang it on the floor until they all fall out!” and “Because I gave birth to you, that’s why!”

Beautiful. Priceless. You’re welcome, kids. I love you, too.