Some of My Fantasies
1. Every time I eat a donut, I lose one pound (net weight).
2. I’m a rock star, but only in Japan. I tour Japan once a year or so. I start fashion trends. I let handsome Japanese movie stars accompany me to local hotspots. My songs have subversive lyrics that people mispronounce in karaoke bars all over Tokyo. Eventually, I have to make public service announcements telling women to please stop surgically enhancing themselves to have bodies more like mine. No one in America will know about my Japanese stardom until I’m dead.
3. I was gonna tell y’all the one about the space ship, but I think I’m gonna make it into a short story, instead.
4. I become a reluctant screenwriter and celebrities start hanging out with me in hopes of inducing me to write scripts that will showcase their talents. And I go to dinners with them all the time and listen to them whine about their lives, which turn out to be very, very boring, just like those of non-celebrities. And then I start avoiding them, and I feel lonely and I look back on the days when I used to wonder if hanging out with celebrities would make me feel less lonely. And I go to my villa in France to think about that for a while. And the croissants at the local bakery make me lose one pound (net weight) every time I eat one.
5. I make enough money from my writing to quit my day job in the insurance industry. I have time to write without stressing over all the errands and chores I have to squeeze into each evening and weekend. I take my kids to the park all the time and we spin around on that one big tire swing they have until we get dizzy and scream with glee.
At the Copy Machine
Every time I go to the copy machine, it makes me think about my future. Lately, when I stand there leaning against it and listening to its rhythmic noise, I think that I need to hurry up and go back to school and get my MFA so that I can teach for my day job instead of making copies. It might be fun to teach. No, it probably won’t, actually. But still.
An Inquiring Mind Wants to Know
Someone wants to know why I didn’t write a Valentine’s Day entry, and everyone wants to know if I did something spicy last night. But everyone should remember that I have my kids this week and my boyfriend had to work last night.
My boyfriend had flowers delivered to my work yesterday. Red and white tulips. On Saturday, I bought him a lemon tart from Central Market, and also a can of Ready Whip, because he’s obsessed with it lately. On Sunday, we went (with my kids, of course) to this little Mexican restaurant and ate on its patio. That was nice. Then, we went to the Menil and looked at the art. Everything bored the kids (and my boyfriend, I admit) except the ancient sculptures of people with their genitalia showing. Then we went to see Sideways, which bored the living crap out of the kids until more amusing genitalia appeared. Then, no one called CPS on me for taking my kids to see a rated R movie, so we went to the grocery store and got supplies to make hot dogs. We tried to watch My Neighbor Totoro but, by then, my kids were in no condition to see a movie without hilarious private parts. So then we watched Overhaulin’ instead.
That’s all.
Me and My Kids Don’t Care
The other day we went to a certain mall in town that features a two-story old-time-y carousel. Three of us got on the tea cup (AKA “spinner thing”) and spun around like maniacs. We were screaming before the carousel even started, our heads lolling like we were drunk. Tad stood outside the protective carousel gate, trying to pretend he didn’t know us, even though he was holding my purse. We spun and shrieked some more.
“We’re embarrassing ourselves!” yelled my seven-year-old son. I told him that if other people didn’t like seeing us have fun, it was just because they were jealous.
