Letters from Readers
I get a lot of letters from readers, many of them asking for advice. Here are some recent letters, along with my responses.
Dear Pamie Gwen,
I love your site and plan to buy your book very soon. But, first, will you please tell me how to get published? I’ve been writing my blog for almost a year now and I think I am ready to have a book, like you.
Thanks,
The Next Pamie Gwen
Dear Next Me,
It’s not so hard. All you have to do is write a book and then send it to agents and/or publishers until one of them likes your book enough to offer you a contract. Really, the hardest parts are finding time to write your book, and then overcoming your fear of rejection. If your book is worth reading, then someone will eventually accept it. If it isn’t, then go back and improve it. Take writing classes if necessary to sharpen your skills. Good luck!
Dear Gwen,
No – I didn’t mean that kind of book. I meant the kind where you have a blog and an agent discovers it and then you print off a bunch of your web site pages and sell them to a publisher for $50,000. Please tell me how long it will take for an agent to discover my blog.
Signed,
Because I Get Tired of Thinking Up Stuff to Write All the Time
Oh, okay. Well, I don’t really know about that kind of publishing. I’ve been writing my site for seven and a half years and I finally decided to go look for an agent on my own. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.
Dear Gwen,
I notice that a lot of young ladies these days do bad things, like talking about sex and anal sex on their blogs. Even though their behavior goes against everything I’ve been taught is attractive to men, some of these ladies seem to have happy, long-term relationships with nice men. Meanwhile, I do everything I’m supposed to do and only have a string of miserable non-relationships with men who disreguard my feelings.
I’ve tried complaining to my friends, and I’ve tried making thinly veiled negative comments on these young ladies’ blogs. Neither seems to get me what I want, which is hot sex with accommodating men on a regular basis. My question is, do I have to throw my morals out the window and become a total classless slut, like you, in order to be happy?
Signed,
I Hate You (LOL Just Kidding! :))
Dear LOL,
Here is what you have to do, broken down in numbered list form:
1. Decide if you prefer to be slutty, not at all slutty, or somewhere in between.
2. Whatever your choice is, be it whole-heartedly.
3. Find a guy you like who seems nice or at least law-abiding.
4. Walk up to that guy and say, “I like you. I would like us to [outline what you honestly want to do with him here]. Would you like to do that with me?”
5. If he says yes, then do that stuff with him until you don’t feel like it anymore or until he proves himself unable to do it. Then, either renegotiate what you want to do with him, or else go do stuff with someone else.
6. If he says no, ditch him and go find another guy.
7. Repeat until you don’t feel like doing that stuff anymore.
There. It’s easy. Have fun!
Dear Gwen,
One of my coworkers keeps clearing his throat in a really loud, disgusting way. It completely grosses me out. How can I make him stop?
Signed,
Fighting to be Phlegm-Free
Dear Peep,
You can’t make him stop. You have to hear it, unless your company lets you use headphones. If you can’t use headphones, take this as a sign that you’ve done bad things in the past and now you are being punished for them. Be glad you didn’t do things that were worse.
Dear Gwen,
I hate my ex-wife and I don’t want to pay her child support because I know that, if I do, that will free up more of her salary for her to spend on herself. So, to keep my kids safe from her selfishness, I keep all of my salary and spend it on myself.
The only problem now is that, after two years of me not paying child support, that bitch is trying to force the courts to rule my behavior illegal and have me thrown in jail! And I’m worried that, after several months or years of reset court dates and slaps on my wrist, I might actually have to serve time!
What can I do to make this stupid, selfish, hateful bitch stop her campaign of evil?
Thanks,
World’s Best Daddy
Dear WBD,
Unfortunately, in our fine state, failure to pay child support is a criminal offense. More unfortunately, that offense sometimes even gets prosecuted. So I have to say that I am a little fearful for your well-being and ability to earn un-garnishable wages for contract work.
However, I do have an idea so crazy, it might just work. Here’s what you do:
Every time you have visitation weekends with your kids, ask them about your ex-wife’s new boyfriend. Then, be sure to disparage her relationship loudly, letting your children know in easy-to-understand terminology that their mother is a bitch who will undoubtedly drive this boyfriend away, just like she drove you away when she left you. If her boyfriend is of a race other than yours, be sure also to disparage his race with creative slurs, spelling them out for your kids if they are unfamiliar.
With a little luck, your heart-to-heart monologues to your kids will eventually get back to your ex-wife. If she hears these words often enough, she might finally realize that she is a worthless idiot who will never have anyone better than you and, therefore, never should have left you in the first place. Then, she will come crawling back. Then – voila! – you won’t be legally obligated to pay child support anymore.
Try that and let me know how it works for you.
