my guts
Every time I have menstrual cramps, it makes me think of Alien. The first one, I mean, where the baby alien pops out of the guy’s stomach. Not the later Aliens, where everyone looks like Rambo and Robocop all of a sudden.
Anyway. The baby alien is restless and wants to get out. That accounts for the blood. The only way I’ve found to keep the alien in is by eating. If I eat pizza and good sandwiches with genoa salami and special flavored mayonnaise, the baby alien will stick around for lunch. Ibuprofen puts it to sleep. Then, after five days, my period’s over and I don’t have to worry about it anymore.
Being a woman is a magical privilege. Y’all men out there, try not to be jealous, okay?
