I’ve been sparing you.

Haven’t posted in a while because I’m in a state of drudgery, and boring, cyclical drudgery, at that. All stuff you’ve heard before, even down to the fact that I didn’t get the last child-support check owed me, and therefore am broke. Same old shit. Same shit, different day.

Watching all that Battlestar Galactica lately has got me thinking: What do you have to look forward to? Obviously, if you’re indefinitely stuck on a battleship because robots took over your planet, you’re desperate to find things to look forward to. Right? But what about for us peeps on Earth, waiting as we are for Edward James Olmos and his crew to find us? What do we have to look forward to?

I’ve been asking my friends, and it’s interesting to hear their answers. Especially the chronological range. (I think that’s the big word I mean.) Some people are looking forward to things that will take place three months from now, like parties and TV shows. Some people are looking forward to more misty future events, like what they’ll do when they retire.

Alone at night, before I slept, I tried to count five things I was looking forward to. I counted two that had to do with my next books’ release, in Spring 2008, and one that wasn’t as much a thing as it was a hope. (“Uh… selling another book? If I do?”) And then I told myself that I can always look forward to creating more stuff, books or whatever else, whether I end up selling them or not. And then I fell asleep, I think.

How much of what you look forward to is stuff you can control, and how much is controlled by someone else? I was rereading The House on Mango Street the other day, and identified strongly with the narrator’s disgust at her parents looking forward to winning the lottery. And yet, at the same time, thoughts of lottery winning often buoy me up throughout the work day, work week, work year.

I think I can only look forward to things I’ll control, to things I plan to do… and then realize my hopes by getting off my ass and doing them. But sometimes I get tired. And sometimes, I run out of money. Also, no matter how determined I get, I can’t plan the future very far in advance. (I’ve never been good at chess, either.)

Next weekend, barring unforeseen bullshit, I’ll go to the beach, maybe.

My horoscope keeps saying annoying crap like, “Although it bothers you not to be in control and not to be accomplishing anything, you should take this time to take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Heal old wounds. Take some time to relax.”

I’m going to stop reading it. From now on, I’m only going to read superstitious crap that fills me with optimism.

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Posted in psychobabble, venting on 05/09/2007 03:10 pm

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