Stupid People
Twice this morning, people almost hit my car with their cars. It made me mad, but mostly it made me scared. There is no guarantee, no matter how carefully you drive, that you can drive through your city without a careless asshole wrecking into your car.
I was determined not to let that fear and anger set the tone for my day, though.
But then, when I tried to enter the parking garage, two stupid women were standing in the entrance. One was giving the other directions. “Why not,” I thought, “direct her not to stand in the driveway, right in front of the scanner that scans the parking pass of every single person who needs to park in this garage?” What kind of people, I wondered, are that inconsiderate/selfish/oblivious?
But, again – I don’t have to let all the stupid, inconsiderate, dangerous people in Houston affect my day, do I?
No. I’m happy as effing hell. I’m going to have a great effing day.
The shopping hype continues.
This morning on the radio they said that, over Black Friday weekend, men outshopped women by an average of $100 each. “Hurry up, ladies! Catch up!”
How clever, to make the shopping into a battle of the sexes. How very retro.
So I did a U-turn and headed to the nearest mall. I’d be damned if some man was going to out-shop me. Don’t worry, NASDAQ! I’ll save you!
No, just kidding. The mall wasn’t open yet.
Show the Wal-Mart love.
Meanwhile, I predict that Wal-Mart is going to become the next K-Mart. Their sales did not climb over Black Friday weekend – they fell, while everyone else’s climbed. For the second year in a row, I believe.
You know why? Because people don’t want Christmas gifts from Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart’s okay for every day things, like socks and dish scrubbers, but giving someone a gift from Wal-Mart says, “I don’t really care about you, and therefore I bought you the cheapest thing possible, and I don’t care if you know about it, either, as evidenced by the tag that says FADED GLORY.”
In fact, there are only five gifts in the world that indicate apathy more effectively than a gift from Wal-Mart. Here they are, in order from best to worst:
1. A boxed set of Jovan White Musk toiletries from the drugstore, on which the fluourescent orange $5 price tag has been scribbled over with a black Sharpie.
2. A nearly see-through white t-shirt on which the name of someone else’s city has been screenprinted off center.
3. Christmas socks and Christmas earrings, purchased from the Target clearance rack the day after Christmas.
4. A pair of lottery scratch tickets on which every square has a thin scratch so as to assure beforehand that it wasn’t a winning ticket.
5. A small stuffed animal of unidentifiable species and a rosebud made of rolled-up nylon panties from the convenience store a block from your house.
What those gifts can also say is, “Neither I nor my employers managed to benefit from Iraq war money in any way.”
Or, best-case scenario: “I’m old and I don’t get out of the house unless someone else drives me. Be glad I bought you anything at all, you ungrateful little brat of a grandchild whose name I can’t remember.”
So, anyway, back to my theory. My theory is that, after a good, long eight-year period of Republican war, it’s time to shun Wal-Mart. Tell your kids to taunt each other by saying, “Your mom shops at Wal-Mart!”
It’s time, you guys. The void left by K-Mart has been open too long.
