Hair Tips and Tricks

People keep asking me if I changed my hair color. “What’d you do,” they say. “It looks nice!”

The answer is that I’ve been letting my roots grow out for the past month. It’s time to get my roots done. After that, maybe I’ll paint them with mascara so people will still like my hair.

Things I Could Be Doing with My Life If I Weren’t Busy Doing Insurance by Day and Writing by Night

1. Go-go dancer by night, writer by day

I would have to lose weight, first, then buy a bunch of outfits from Frederick’s of Hollywood. Then, I’d have to find a babysitter, or else get my boss to let my kids sit in the VIP lounge with their PSPs and some snacks. I probably wouldn’t get paid much, but I’d get free drinks and free cover. And, presumably, all the free drinking would inspire me to write more, and I’d get paid more for that than I do now.

2. Craft store owner by day, writer by night

I would own a little store in a strip mall in the suburbs where I’d sell stuff I made and stuff I imported from Taiwan. In the back room, I’d sell slightly racier stuff, sort of like Spencer, but not as cheesy. I probably wouldn’t make much money at all from the store itself – I’d probably spend most of my time there watching kids intent on shoplifting. But it would be a good tax write-off against the things I’d sell on eBay. Also, it would give me a place to write.

3. Rock star famous in Japan, six months per year

We would tour six months out of the year, then spend the other half of the year at home, goofing off. (Or maybe I’d do some writing.) I’d only want to be famous in Japan, and not here, so that I wouldn’t be able to read rude things that people said about me online.

Maybe, when my kids got older, they could join the band and we’d be like the modern-day, non-sucky Partridge Family. I’d have to hire tutors for them in the meantime, though. How did the Partridge kids get their schoolwork done? I don’t remember.

4. Writer by day, phone sex operator by night

I always thought I’d make a really good phone sex operator. I’m good at making up stories on the fly, and I have lots of experience with psychos so I’d be able to figure out their psychoses really quickly. Plus, it would give me tons of material. Plus, hello – working from home. However, I hear that really doesn’t pay a lot unless you own your own 976 line. Plus, I’m not sure I could resist the impulse to stop every few minutes and yell at my kids. “You take my stiletto pump and lovingly fill it with cinnamon applesauce, then plunge your – Dammit, Josh, I told you not to put reds in with whites!”

5. Opera singer six months per year

I’ve always wanted to be an opera singer, kind of. When you’re an opera singer, it’s okay to be a little fat. In fact, people expect it. Seriously, if I had to go back and live my life over again, I’d probably start studying opera from about 6 years of age, instead of wasting all that time singing along to Deborah Harry and Olivia Newton John, which, as you see, got me nothing.

6. Writer by day, housewife by day and night

I would let my husband pay the bills and use my book advances to fund our vacations and expensive bath products and such. But, this time, I’d be smart enough not to marry a controlling bastard who hated on everything I ever tried to do.

Actually, strike that one. I just remembered forty-six reasons I don’t want to get married, ever again.

I could go on, but I won’t. There’s no use. I’m already so incredibly happy doing insurance by day and writing by night that it would seem ungrateful to continue thinking up other things to be. And gosh knows I’m not ungrateful.

What could you be doing if you weren’t doing what you’re doing? Tell me in the comments.

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Posted in fantasies, vanity on 08/30/2006 02:47 pm

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