This post is for Dot.
Hello, Dot! I hope you’re enjoying the Internets today!
All About the Tile
Tomorrow is Tile Setting Day. Sunday is Grout Day. Woo! Today is Mario Rocks at Glass-Cutting-Tool Bargain Shopping Day, because he just saved me $70.
So I was hanging with my young boyfriend’s young friends, who are more multicultural than me and my friends, and they’re asking me about my renovations. Lyra, who is half Paki and half Greek, says, “So what are you putting on your kitchen counters, then?”
I say, “Tile.”
Michard, who is half Portuguese and half Spanish, says, “Just like a damned Mexican.”
Me (plain old half Mexican and half white) says, “That’s right.”
Lyra says, “What? Tile counters are pretty!”
Michard says, “You’re just saying that ’cause you’re Middle Eastern.”
This is why it’s good to have multicultural friends, you guys. Twice the stereotypes, twice the fun!
Pictures of the tile tomorrow on Flickr…
Fantasies
1. I used to fantasize that I secretly knew every language in the world. That way, I could help people communicate, but only for worthy causes. Eventually, though, I realized that power would be mentally exhausting.
2. Then, I fantasized that I had the power to heal people. I would heal them for money, but on a sliding fee scale, of course. That power would also have to be semi-secret. I’d set up my healing business, but call it “Therapeutic Massage” or something, and have disclaimers all around saying it was for entertainment purposes only. That would keep the government off my trail. Eventually, though, I realized that this power was cliched.
3. I recently fantasized that I had the power to instantaneously know the perfect nutrition plan for anyone I met. I’d give them the custom-designed diet that would help them maintain healthy weights and avoid surgery. Then I realized that I could give people the diets, but they probably wouldn’t follow them, and that would depress me, no matter how much money I made.
4. My very latest fantasy is that I have the secret power to improve people’s looks. I wouldn’t even tell anyone or ask them for money. I’d just go about my business as usual, except I’d be removing people’s warts and potbellies and varicose veins along the way, remotely. And they wouldn’t know it until they looked in the mirror. And they’d think that it was magic.
I don’t know why all my main fantasies are about helping people, when I’m sort of bitchy and hate to be around people most of the time. Maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe, as I’m starting to suspect, I should have been a dental hygenist.
Next life, I’m becoming a dental hygenist. That way I have all the fun of helping people, but none of the long-term commitment or professional liability.
Tell me your non-sexual, non-violent fantasies in the comments, if you want. (Or just talk about why Mexicans love tile.)
