Finally: The Answers to the Eleven Questions that I, as an Author, Am Most Frequently Asked
1. So, are you and your boyfriend going to get married?
Not at the moment, no. We don’t have any plans to do so.
2. Why not?
Well… Because he’s not ready to get married, and I’ve already been married and I don’t feel the need to do it again.
3. Don’t you want to try for a girl?
Not really. I’m happy with my three boys. They’re plenty.
4. Why not? Come on. Don’t you want to marry Tad and have a cute little Chinese baby girl with him? Wouldn’t that be the cutest thing? Come on! It’d be so cute! How long have you two been together, anyway?
I can’t afford to have a baby right now, and we’re not getting married. We’ve been together two and a half years, and we’re happy the way we are. Did you know that there are lots of Chinese baby girls up for adoption? Why don’t you get your own?
5. So what’s up with your writing?
Well, right now I’m revising my chick-lit novel for Warner, and I just sold my first children’s book, and I’m about to start working on…
6. Oh, you sold a book? So I guess you’ll be quitting your job now, huh?
No. I haven’t made enough money to quit my job. Hardly any authors do, really. You only hear about the ones who sell movie rights and get rich, but usually…
7. So, are you gonna buy me a car when you get rich?
No. (Unless you’re my kids, my boyfriend, or my dad.)
8. Hey, you’re not writing about me, are you?
No. Or, if I am, you won’t recognize yourself, because you aren’t very introspective. All I’ll do is change your name and haircolor, and you’ll never realize that the most annoying person in the book is you.
9. Cool. Hey, I have a really awesome idea for a book you could write. Wanna hear it?
No. You should keep it and write it for yourself.
10. I do a little writing, myself. Will you look at my stuff and tell me what you think?
Sure, you can give me a short piece. But only once. I don’t have time to go over multiple revisions with you (unless you’re my friend in real life and you’re buying me lunch). Also, please don’t show me work in which you have exposed yourself as a psycho. Those ones keep me up at night. Also, please don’t show me very good work and then, when I tell you it’s very good, put it away in a drawer and give up on yourself. That always makes me sad. There are too many good artists who are afraid, and too many persistent untalented people who get what good artists should have. So stop beating yourself up, and put your work out there. I did it, and look what happened for me.
11. You do realize, don’t you, that when you got that extra Costco card for Tad, you and he became common law husband and wife? And, if you get rich, he can file for divorce and take half your stuff? So you may as well go ahead and have another baby, right?
That’s what you think. When Costco misspelled his name on his card, I let them. So I remain a free woman. And I have to go back to writing my revisions now.
