I have no business being at work today.
But, at the same time, I have no sick days, either, so here I am.
For about three weeks now, some unidentified virus has been stalking me like a lion stalks a gazelle. Sometimes the stalking takes place outside my body, and sometimes it reconvenes inside my guts. I missed work yesterday, so they docked my pay. Can’t afford to miss more pay, so the battle rages on, here, in the office. Hopefully nothing bad will happen to me in the room called Ladies today.
Misunderstanding
At the salon the other day, I meant to tell the lady, “I’d like my eyebrows waxed, too, please.”
But, apparently, either she misheard me, or else I accidentally said, “Please make my eyebrows look weird. Be sure to hack off the few hairs that serve to make up their outer halves, so that my eyebrows become too short for my eyes. Also, if you could do this in such a way that I’ll be forced to inexpertly pencil them in for the black-tie event I’ll be attending New Year’s Eve, that would be awesome. Thank you.”
(If this has typos, it’s because I’m sick and I was up half the night facing a variety of gastrointestinal challenges.)
Qualifier to My H-Town Love
If I ever moved away from Houston, it wouldn’t be because of all the right-wing freakazoids – they’re easy enough to ignore. And it wouldn’t be because of the construction and crappy drivers – those occur wherever you go. It wouldn’t be because of the heat, either. Y’all know I don’t mind the heat at all.
No… If I were ever to move from my hometown, it would be because the pollution and toxic mold are killing me slowly, starting with my sinuses and eyes. I love you, Houston, but you’re killing me, man.
On the Moors
This morning there was a nice layer of spooky fog in a parking lot near my work. I admired it from the Jack in the Box drive-through and wished I had my camera.
“Heathcliff!” I heard a woman cry. “Heathcliff, don’t come to work today! Stay home and pencil your eyebrows, instead, my love!”
“My name’s not Heathcliff,” I called to her.
“I wasn’t talking to you,” she called back.
“Oh.”
So I drove into work, and now here I am.
