Advice for Writers
This advice is particularly for people interested in publishing fiction, or who have published one book and are trying to move forward from there. These are things that I’ve learned from experience.
1. You can’t be a successful writer if you don’t actually write.
Maybe there are still some people left who haven’t heard you talk about your plans to be a great writer, and maybe there are even people who care. But talking and fantasizing about writing won’t get you published. (Usually.) You have to sit down and write your stuff and then send it to people and wait to hear what they’ve decided about it. Not glamorous, but still necessary. (Unless you self-publish. But if you go that route, make sure your stuff is good, or else the people who get suckered into buying it will be sure to write a review on Amazon that explains exactly what kind of unprofessional, worthless tripe you foisted on the world.)
After you publish your first book, you can spend an indefinite amount of time riding the coattails of your own success. However, if one of your fantasies is to die with more than one good book to your name, you’re going to have to quit gallivanting around with free drinks in your hand, and sit yourself down, and write again.
2. Don’t hate on yourself.
Try not to hate on yourself while you’re writing. It’s okay to be critical of your own work – if you unfailingly, unequivocally accepted it as-is, it would most likely suck. But don’t get personal about it, calling yourself names like loser, hack, failure, fraud, or “worthless piece of crap just like my mom said I’d be.” That kind of thought pattern isn’t conducive to quality work. Save it for late at night, right before you fall asleep.
3. Don’t waste time comparing yourself to other writers.
Don’t sulk over the fact that Jane Doe’s book sold for $100K and yours only sold for thirty-seven dollars. Don’t feel like, just because Joan Blow’s book was made into a movie, yours doesn’t matter unless it gets made into a movie, too. Don’t read interviews in which Juanita Dodez Blowdriguez brags that she wrote her bestseller in three days, and then beat yourself up because you’ve been revising the same opening paragraph for the last eight weeks.
You just do what you have to do. Do your work. Keep your eyes on your own paper. Keep your eyes on your own personal prize.
That didn’t help? Okay, well I’ll tell you a secret, then. Jane Doe, Joan Blow, and Juanita Dodez Blowdriguez are fucking miserable. They’re all just as miserable as you are. That’s right. They go to bed at night feeling like losers because they don’t have what J.K. Rowling and Stephen King have. J.K. Rowling and Stephen King go to bed at night feeling crappy because, no matter what they did, they know they could have and should have done it better.
And if any of those people email me to say otherwise, we’ll know that I’ve hit upon their innermost insecurities by telling the stark, unfettered truth.
4. Listen to music while you write.
It really sets the mood. You may like yours mellow, upbeat, or full of sinister robotic bass like the latest from VNV Nation. Either way, listen to something you like that inspires you to get your groove on. Your writing groove, that is.
5. Carve out some Alone Time.
It’s best to write without distractions. Sometimes you may be a single mom of three, making it trickier to work writing into your schedule. No problem – just do it late at night, when your children are asleep. Or early in the morning, when they’re still asleep and you wished you were, too, but you couldn’t be, because otherwise you’d never finish your effing book. Or during the work day, when you’ve lied to your boss, telling him you have the flu so that you could stay home alone and work on your book. Or, during the work day, when you actually are home with the flu.
Sometimes you might find it necessary to work while your children are home and awake. If so, set boundaries and prepare them. Gather your children, your boyfriends, your spouses, and your pets, and gently say, “Mommy loves you very much. I want you to understand that. No matter what Mommy says to you when you interrupt her work, remember that she still loves you.”
6. Keep healthy snacks on hand to refuel and stay sharp.
Not potato chips, and not Little Debbie Cakes. The starch makes you sleepy. Not alcohol, heroin, or crack, which inhibit your ability to produce cogent metaphors. Most importantly, don’t use protein powders that contain calcium. Those can cause kidney stones. Try fresh fruits, veggies, and low-fat deli meats, instead.
7. Wear comfortable clothing while you write.
That one’s self-explanatory. In a similar vein…
8. Create a ritual.
It’s all about setting the mood. Once you get into the habit, your writing time will become incredibly efficient. Take it from me.
I’m currently working on another book, and I’ve developed a very productive routine. First, I announce to my children that it’s time for me to write. They run to open Chef Boy-ar-dee cans and turn on the PS2 while I lock and barricade my bedroom door. Then, I load my Windows Media Player with a pre-arranged MP3 list entitled “finish freaking book.”
Then, I take off my work clothes and slip into my Writing Outfit. After much trial and error, I’ve decided on a machine-washable white vinyl jumpsuit with pink and orange stars, kitten ears, and a well designed crotch opening. I wait until the music swells to the appropriate level, then begin to spin. Colored light suffuses the air and glitter swirls around my head. As I revolve, my day-job clothes melt away to reveal my buttocks for a brief instant before being replaced by the jumpsuit, white platform boots, a tiara, and the golden sceptre that holds my Ruby of Writing and Hematites of Humor. I point the sceptre to the sky and cry out my “centering mantra”: By the foremothers of Athena… I… HAVE… THE POWER!
Then I sit my butt on my chair and get back to work.
