The First Twenty Things
Here are the first twenty things I’d do if I won $150 million dollars in the lottery.
1. Go shopping. Of course I would go to the Galleria, Houston’s ritziest mall, and buy whatever caught my eye. But I couldn’t tell you what any of that stuff might be yet, because I don’t ever window-shop for stuff I can’t afford. I know, somehow, that even if I were to become the richest woman in the world, I’d still go to Target. I’d go to Target and buy up all the Hello Kitty panties in my size. Then, I’d probably go to Kohl’s and buy a bunch of their flip flops. But then, right after that, I promise that I’d go to the Galleria and buy stuff that rich people are supposed to buy. I’d be sure to get extra shoes, purses, and fancy-flavored gum.
2. Take my kids to the bubble teahouse. We’d go even more often than we do now, and stay for longer. And I’d tip better, too. I might consider taking them out of school and hiring a tutor to give us more time to do this, actually. Because, of course, we’d want to go to Hermann park before the bubble tea outings, to work up a good thirst. And that stuff takes up time, you know.
3. Start a foundation. I would totally start a foundation and give away grants for all kinds of crazy stuff. And they’d be real fellowship grants, too. Not the kind of grants that some non-profit organizations give to artists, where it seems like you’re getting money to keep on being awesome at art, when in reality you’re signing your life away on some contract that states that for every hundred dollars they give you, you have to do seven hours of back-breaking, stress-inducing work to promote an agenda that has nothing to do with any artistic vision you ever had in your life. I’m not saying that I’ve ever received that kind of grant… I’m just saying. Also, I would give scholarships to smart little poor girls.
4. Buy a house. But not a big mansion. No. I’d like a nice four-bedroom house inside the 610 loop, not too far from where I grew up. With space in the back for a vegetable garden.
5. Hire a maid. People always hassle women who want to hire a maid. But why? Maids need jobs, too. I would pay mine well. Did I ever tell y’all that I used to know a woman whose mom was a maid? You can bet that I took the opportunity to ask all the questions you always want to ask. I asked if my friend’s mom ever looked down on the clients for the messes they made. “Hell, no. My mom doesn’t give a damn,” my friend said. She told me about some of her mom’s favorite clients. They were usually the ones who totally trashed their houses with parties. Apparently, it was fun for my friend’s mom to sort of live vicariously through this woman while cleaning her pigsty. So… there you go. Plus, I really hate housework, so I’d probably get a maid whether I’d ever heard that anecdote or not.
6. Buy my boyfriend a Mercedes. Actually, remember I told y’all how his fantasy is to show up at the dealership with a briefcase full of cash that amounts to about a thousand less than the sticker price, and then to make them decide right there and then if they’d trade the car for that cash? Yeah. So, I’d give him a briefcase full of enough cash to fulfill this little fantasy.
7. Take my kids to Disneyworld or Disneyland or wherever. It’s a requirement, right?
8. Take my kids to a nice beach resort. I would get them non-alcoholic drinks served in coconuts.
9. Take my kids to Tokyo. We want to see the place where Hello Kitty was born.
10. Take my boyfriend to Vietnam. They custom-make clothes there very quickly and cheaply.
11. Take my boyfriend to Thailand for the cheap massages. It seems weird to fly halfway around the world to get bargains – especially if you’re rich. But, oh well. We’ve been fantasizing about these things for a while, so I’d only be cheating us out of opportunities for happiness if we didn’t go when I got the money.
12. Play expensive pranks. This is another idea I got from my boyfriend. He loves to dream up crazy pranks he’d play on his friends if he got rich. Like, for instance, he’d have a really ugly Real Doll made and then delivered to his friend Mike. Or, he’d have t-shirts made with Rick’s face and some amusing caption. Or, he’d pay attractive women to hit on George and then turn him down when he finally worked up the nerve to ask them out. Stuff like that. I don’t really have any good pranks of my own, right off the top of my head, here, but I’m sure I’d come up with something. Or else I’d just pay for my boyfriend’s pranks, and have someone video tape them while we were at it.
13. Play tennis. First, I’d have to take lessons, because I haven’t played since high school. I haven’t yet decided if I’d wear the little white skirts or not. I’d play with my boyfriend at Memorial Park. Or, if later I decided to sell out and buy a huge mansion, after all, then I’d go ahead and get my own court. If I ended up doing that, then I would upgrade my maid’s title to Housekeeper and have her serve us lemonade.
14. Buy a ping-pong table. Thinking of tennis made me think of that.
15. Start a press. I’d publish a bunch of awesome books and booklets and whatnot, by myself, my friends, and others. Then I’d sell them online and in the coolest stores. And, screw it – I’d have a magazine, too. Why not?
16. Have a garden. I’d peruse seed catalogs all year long and grow all kinds of crazy stuff, including tiny white pumpkins, those gourds that look like green and yellow swans, yellow pear tomatoes, chile, exciting lettuce, and all kinds of mint and tea herbs. And then I’d have a cutting garden, on top of that, with gazillions of gerbera daisies.
17. Throw super awesome parties. Dude, I’d have so many awesome parties and get-togethers. Poker parties, DJ parties, karaoke parties, board game parties, tea parties, fondue parties, roller rink parties, parties for which I’d rent out Astroworld, pool parties, beach parties, slumber parties, crafting parties, pinata parties, costume parties, ice block shot parties, spin the bottle parties, garden parties, ping pong parties… Shoot, I’d do all that stuff now, if I didn’t live in such a tiny apartment.
18. Go to the doctor. I would go to every kind of doctor, dentist, dermatologist, cosmetic surgeon, chiropractor, and shaman and have all my problems fixed. Screw it – I’d just have all my bones replaced with titanium.
19. Hang out at the best spas all over the world. I’m especially interested in seaweed, mud, and hot springs.
20. Invest my money. Of course, I would invest my money in such a magical way as to make it last forever for my kids and their kids. I guess, also, while I was at it, I’d have to become a Republican.
