If you want to stop me in my tracks…
You know how, on South Park, Eric Cartman can’t hear the opening line of Styx’s “Come Sail Away” without being compelled to hear the whole thing – even if he has to sing it himself?
That’s me with two certain movies. If I see the beginning of these movies, I’m compelled to drop everything I’m doing and watch that movie. If, for some unfortunate reason, I’m torn away, then I have to mentally replay scenes of that movie, over and over again, for hours. I have to promise myself to buy that movie on DVD. By mail order. Under an assumed name.
The two movies are Kindergarten Cop and The Birdcage.
I know. It’s sad.
Meanwhile, next week…
I met with my publishers today. They put to rest many of my fears. Yes, my book should still come out on September 30. No, they don’t secretly hate me. And, yes, most importantly, the cover of my book does not suck. In fact, it looks very, very awesome and good. I’ll show it to y’all as soon as I get the formal okay, okay?
My publishers are going to the Book Expo in Chicago next week. I feel that, whenever someone says Book Expo, it should echo like an announcer at a wrestling match. Anyway, they’re going to make their preliminary attempt to drum up market interest in my book and the other books in their Fall catalog.
In front of me, on white paper, I have a photocopy of my page of the catalog. It’s Page 9. It has the name of my book at the top with a dorky little picture of me just to the right. I’m smiling like a possum. I’d offered them an alternate headshot in which I was frowning like a bitch, but they chose the smile. The smile that says, “It’s way past my bedtime, but I’m all sugared out and I’m just going to keep making fart jokes until you yell at me, and then I’ll cry myself to sleep.”
Here are seven words and phrases that they chose to describe my book, writing, voice, themes or self:
1. strident
2. poignant
3. brash
4. “the literati’s version of television variety shows of the ’70s”
5. knife-in-the-ribs
6. inventive
7. “super, duper, ultra freaking awesome”
Okay. Just kidding about that last one. But still. I’m excited. This whole book-getting-published thing, really, is just such a total ego stroke. I have to admit that I love it.
