What I’ve Learned
(or, Still Talking about Emotional Crap, but at Least I’m not Talking about the Break Up in This One)
I’m going to share with you the most important thing I’ve learned since leaving my marriage three and a half years ago, in case it’s something you might need/want to learn, too.
Actually, it’s two things – two sides of the same coin.
(Most of my metaphors are money ones lately. Don’t hate me because I’m materialistic.)
1. You can’t control anyone.
2. No one can control you.
I mean, of course people can control each other – all it takes is a gun or any other threat.
But you can’t control someone if you want to have a healthy relationship with that person. This might make you sad. “I’m going to make her like me,” you say. Or “I’m going to make him love me.” But you can’t do it. Don’t bother trying it with guilt trips, manipulation, or threats. Or voodoo dolls. Or praying. Or mystical herbs. And… don’t beat yourself up if/when you fail at making other people feel the way you want them to.
You may not want to hear me telling you that stuff, but don’t be sad about it, because the flip side is…
No one can control you. People can’t make you do things you don’t want to do. (Unless they threaten you, in which case they’re cheating and you should call the police.) Opportunities will come your way, and you have every right to say “Yes” or “No” or even “I don’t know yet” without worrying about what other people will think. You can feel free to ignore their guilt trips and manipulation. They might pray and make voodoo dolls, but only you control you.
It’s all a good thing. No one has a better reason to take care of you than you yourself. So it makes sense that you should control you own life and not do things in the hopes of satisfying others. And you want to do unto others as you’d have them do unto you, don’t you, because life is just easier that way. So you’re not going to try to control their lives. You’re just going to take care of yours.
And once you start living that way, I swear to God, you’ll be happier. I finally realized that.
Some of you are reading this and saying, “Well, duh. I already knew that.” If you already knew that, then I’m glad for you.
Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t already know what it’s taken me this long to learn. I only know it from hard experience, a few hints from trained counselors, and prolonged observation of happy people.
I’m going to say a phrase that you’ll either recognize or not. Erased boundaries. Some of y’all know what that means, right? Well, the Coin of Control I’ve described above is the means by which I’ve been able to draw my boundaries again. When I find more ways, I’ll let you know.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then don’t worry about it. Wait for the next entry, which should be funny.
(Hey – I just called copyright/trademark on “Coin of Control”. Look for the book on Amazon in Spring 2008!)
