I am the nicest fucking bitch you will ever know.
“I’ll do this for you… IF you’re nice to me.”
What does nice mean? Well, that depends.
In the old black and white movies in which women cry and men leer, it usually means “accessible for sexual favors”.
In certain offices and back alleys, it could mean “willing to look the other way when I commit crimes”.
For certain insecure, immature men, it could mean “pretending to be dumber than you are instead of continuing to be smarter, wittier and more likeable than me”.
Usually, though, you don’t know what nice means. That’s why English teachers tell you not to use it. It could mean anything. It doesn’t have to have a definition or a limit, does it?
Hey, you know what? I love you. Move in with me and I’ll pay all the bills. All you have to do is be nice to me. That’s right, baby. Like that. Oh, yeah. You know how I like it. Wait – a little more of this and a little less of that. Wait – not that. Don’t do that. Wait – why haven’t you been doing this? Hey, don’t do that. You’re not being very nice. I’m paying your bills, and you can’t even be nice to me. What do you mean you don’t know what I mean? I’ll tell you what nice is and when you’re not being nice – all you have to do is follow my instructions. Is that so fucking hard? Jesus.
No, just kidding. I don’t really feel that way about you. I was just being dramatic to make a point.
Here’s the kind of offer I like:
- “You give me $50 and I will give you a sweater.”
- “If I were to make a 5-page web site for you, I’d have to ask you to make me three kitten-shaped cell-phone cozies in colors of my choice.”
- “If you pretend that you’re my girlfriend and that I’m straight, and I’ll clean your house and kill any flying roaches that might show up.”
- “I’ll fund your floundering business now if you kill one person of my choosing some time during the next twenty years.”
- “You give me $50 and I will give you oral sex.”
I’m not saying I’d accept any of these offers. I’m just saying that they’re way less of a mind-fuck than “I’ll buy you dinner if you’re nice to me.”
We’re all (okay, mostly) capitalists here, y’all. Tell me what you want and what you have to offer. You never know – maybe we can strike a deal. But don’t waste my time with ambiguous bargains depending on niceness. That shit sounds pretty shady to me.
