bad thoughts I’ve occasionally had
1. If an insured drunk driver were to wreck into my car and break my left arm or something, maybe his insurance company would settle for enough money for me to put a down payment on a house.
2. I hope a homeless person asks me for money at the gas station so I can go off on him. I’ll say, “What – you think people like me work every day because we LIKE it? No – we work so we won’t have to beg strangers for money.”
3. I’m out of paid sick days for the year, but if I were to do $250 worth of freelance work every day that I call in sick from now on, it would be totally worth the pay dock, wouldn’t it?
4. Christ, lady… could your skirt look any cheaper? It’s bad enough that you’re wearing horizontal stripes on your butt, anyway – but they don’t even match at the seams. Don’t you realize that that’s gonna make people stare at your butt all day? What were you thinking?
5. Dude… you STINK. Take a freaking bath, or at least stay out of the cafeteria while I’m buying my lunch, you unappetizing bastard.
6. Jesus, I’m so fat. I wonder what my gut would look like if I just got somebody to flay all the fat off of it with a big knife and then sew up the skin with clear thread.
7. What the hell are you smiling at, jerk?
8. Okay – the next time somebody smears crap on the toilet seat, HR totally needs to make a surveillance tape of it and then play it at the next company function.
9. I could really use a freaking donut right now. Why is it so hard to lose weight but so easy to gain it? As soon as I lose this ten pounds, I’m going to eat a dozen donuts – all cream- or lemon-filled. Then I’ll just make myself puke them up. Just once – for the first and last time in my life.
10. Try saying excuse me next time you bump into somebody, you rude dog. Man, it would rule if an anvil fell on your head right now.
Actually, I had all those thoughts today. Chalk it up to sugar withdrawal or boyfriend withdrawal. Or both.
